


Don't Assume KOF Stands for King of Fighters. The F Might Stand for Something Else.

by writing_in_the_dark



Category: Gintama
Genre: Bisexual Gintoki, Comedy, Exhibitionism, Explicit Sexual Content, GinHiji - Freeform, GinHijiGin, HijiGin, M/M, Masturbation, One Shot, Romance, Smut, Switching, Virtual Sex, Voyeurism, bisexual Hijikata, video game addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:41:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26923045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_in_the_dark/pseuds/writing_in_the_dark
Summary: Gintoki and Hijikata became addicted to a smartphone game where they had GinHiji and HijiGin sex as their characters in the game. They were then told the only way to level up any farther was to have sex with each other in the real world. They didn’t really want to, but they were hopelessly addicted to the game and desperate to continue grinding their fighters. So, they fucked each other’s brains out, leveling up their fighters and finding out they liked each other a little more than they realized.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 25
Kudos: 85
Collections: Gintoki's Birthday Bash 2020





	Don't Assume KOF Stands for King of Fighters. The F Might Stand for Something Else.

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to my artist partner Selia for taking me on as a second writer partner and for supplying not one but _two_ **awesome** pieces of art to go with my fic! Go check her stuff out on [tumblr](https://seliaeden.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/seliaeden)!

**October 4**

**_First thing in the morning, Gintoki time (noon)_ **

“Hmm? What’s this?”

Gintoki bent down to pick up a small package someone had left in front of his door. He tore off the bright birthday-themed wrapping paper to reveal a brand-new smartphone! He searched through the shredded wrapping paper and box for the identity of the gift’s giver and found nothing. He must have had a secret admirer, hopefully of the female persuasion, and preferably one who had no inhibitions between the sheets and who was attracted to men who had neither money nor emotional intelligence.

“Thank you for the early birthday present, Yui-chan,” he said to no one, assigning his fantasy secret admirer the name of his favorite porn star.

He thought about setting the phone up to use for Yorozuya business, but he got distracted when he noticed a particular app that came pre-installed.

“Nice! I love KOF!” he remarked.

Just a few months prior, there had been a limited-time collaboration between The King of Fighters All Star and _Gintama_. Being able to play the game as either Yorozuya Gin-chan or Shiroyasha (or some other, less important _Gintama_ characters, not to mention a slew of KOF fighters) inspired unusual work ethic in him. He had spent every waking moment – sacrificing many hours of sleep, pachinko, sleep, manga reading, sleep, drinking, and sleep – grinding the two fighters bearing his face to their max strengths.

He launched the game and was immediately presented with a selection of fighters, including three _Gintama_ characters: himself, Hijikata, and Catherine. How odd that no one had bothered to tell the protagonist that another KOF x _Gintama_ collaboration was happening, especially with his character being one of the featured fighters, and how odd that Catherine was one of the featured fighters.

It would have been a waste of time grinding anyone but his character’s fighter, so he spent well into the evening laying the smack down on fools, gathering gold and rubies, and leveling up. Far too soon, he reached a point where he couldn’t power his fighter up any farther without clearing a particularly difficult one-on-one battle against Hijikata (the fighter in the game, not the real-life guy). Hijikata and his stupid giant mayo gun were overpowering, and Gintoki’s fighter was defeated each time.

“What the fuck?!!” he yelled. He was pissed. Just as he was about to throw his phone on the floor, a tip box popped up in the game, with a suggestion on how he might beat Hijikata.

“What’s wrong, Gin-chan?” Kagura asked. “Did you get banned from MyAn*meL*st again for bullying people who think _FMAB_ is better than _Gintama_?”

“ _They’re_ the ones who should have been banned!” Gintoki snapped, “ _FMAB_ is a five star out of ten show. Like I told them, _FMAB_ doesn’t work from a narrative perspective because it feels disjointed and unfocused in the way it clashes with stylistic ambiguity!”

Turning his attention back to the game, he read the tip.

_“Tap the ‘weapon release’ button to unlock additional attack equipment,”_ the box said. He grinned. He was about to kick Hijikata’s ass.

**_Middle of the day, Hijikata time (noon)_ **

“Have you gotten any of your fighters past level 90 yet?” one nameless Shinsengumi officer asked another.

“No. I can barely find enough materials to limit break my strongest fighter past level 60! How about you?”

“Same. It’s almost impossible once you get to a certain point. Still, the game is really fun. Even though it’s just a smartphone game, KOF’s animation is better than _Gintama’s_.”

“I agree. I wouldn’t have installed a game on my work phone, for fear of the Vice Chief ordering me to commit seppuku, but it came pre-installed, and the fighting techniques are realistic, just like what we practice every day, so I think it’s ok.”

Hijikata overheard the conversation, and his curiosity was piqued. Did KOF really come pre-installed on the new smartphones all the Shinsengumi’s officers were issued that morning? He wasn’t about to be caught even looking at a game during work hours, so he went into his office to check.

Sure enough, there was KOF in the list of apps. He launched it and was shocked by the selection of fighters. There were a bunch of unknown faces, but there were also three _Gintama_ characters. Yorozuya’s presence in the selection was to be expected, as he was the main character, but there was also that cat Amanto from the bar under Yorozuya’s apartment, and strangest of all, himself!

He had been included in the KOF x _Gintama_ collaboration a few months prior, so it wasn’t surprising that his character would be one of the fighters again if there was another collaboration, but he hadn’t heard anything about another KOF collaboration happening. Usually someone gave him a heads-up about collaborations, just so he wouldn’t get freaked out when he saw a chibi version of his own face on some S*nrio merchandise or something. Well, _Gintama’s_ producers weren’t exactly known for having their shit together. They must have forgotten to get the memo out to the cast.

Now, listen… Everyone knows Hijikata is the last person who would ever play much less become addicted to a video game. He got all that nerd shit out of his system during his stint-and-a-half as Tosshi. However, as Vice Chief, it was his duty to ensure that the game’s depiction of the Shinsengumi was appropriate. He planned to spend at most five minutes playing. He of course chose to play as himself.

**_Evening, Hijikata time / Very early evening, Gintoki time (9:00 pm)_ **

Nine hours later, Hijikata reached a point where he couldn’t power his fighter up any farther without clearing a particularly difficult one-on-one battle against Gintoki (the fighter in the game, not the real-life NEET). His fighter was repeatedly and soundly defeated by a fighter bearing a wooden sword. It was fucking humiliating, and it made his blood boil. He was about to give up and uninstall the game when a box popped up that said, _“Tap the ‘absorb attack’ button to use your opponent’s weapon to your advantage.”_ He didn’t hesitate to go into battle again to try it.

Simultaneously, on opposite ends of Edo, Hijikata and Gintoki confronted the one-on-one battle with the unbeatable enemy who had plagued them for so many hours.

Gintoki was unsure what the ‘weapon release’ button would do, as fighter Gintoki already had the perfect weapon in Lake Toya, but he also didn’t really care, as long as it allowed him to be victorious. When the battle started, he tapped the ‘weapon release’ button, and the Gintoki on the screen pushed aside his yukata, unzipped his pants, and whipped out his analog stick. It had ‘released’ a ‘weapon,’ all right! It had ‘released’ the last ‘weapon’ he expected!! He wasn’t a virgin by any definition of the word, so he knew exactly what was about to happen. He hurriedly excused himself to the privacy of his bedroom and put earbuds in, to protect the chastity of Kagura’s eyes and ears.

Hijikata gasped so hard at the sight of his opponent’s cock that he nearly inhaled the cigarette dangling from his lips. He then smirked. He didn’t know how or why fighter Gintoki was attacking him dick-out, but maybe chopping the offending member off was how he would finally claim victory while also fulfilling his recurring urge to chop off real-life Gintoki’s dick for being a physically attractive, sadistic moron with an unappealing personality. He tapped the ‘absorb attack’ button, and it did the last thing he would have imagined it would do. His own fighter dropped his pants and literally bent over a barrel.

Hijikata quickly put earbuds in, to keep the telltale sounds of human copulation from resonating through the barracks’ paper-thin walls, and then his soul fled his body. To be clear, his out-of-body experience wasn’t triggered by his being a prude or a virgin. He had plenty of experience, mostly from his youth, before he had developed the discipline to control the urge to hop in the sack to burn off the excess adrenaline that built up during battles or matches. Back then, there was rarely a woman around for him to blow off steam with. Most often, he did it with a guy, and he was always the seme. He never had any desire to be on the receiving end.

He floated above his own body and watched fighter Gintoki stick his dick inside his fighter’s ass and thrust it in and out until they both came. His soul was about to float through the ceiling and make its way to saṃsāra, to hopefully be reincarnated far, far from Edo, but the words “YOU WIN” popped up on-screen.

What?! He won?? He got fucked up the ass and…won?! Did that also mean he could limit break his fighter and level up more? There was no way to find out without a corporeal form to control, so his soul returned to his body, and he checked. Indeed, the victory increased his fighter’s max limit, allowing him to continue grinding. He cringed at the unintentional double entendre evoked by thinking the word ‘grinding.’

Ikemen though he was, Hijikata’s usual tsukkomi self did nothing for Gintoki. The occasional glimpses at a Baragaki Toshi who lived on inside Hijikata, however, never failed to have Gintoki sporting a throbbing erection. He had fantasies about a Hijikata who turned into a completely different person under the right circumstances, perhaps behind closed bedroom doors or in the men’s restroom at a gay bar. The Hijikata on his phone screen who was filling his ears with pleasured moans made Gintoki incredibly hard. As soon as he saw the words “YOU WIN,” he set his phone down, grabbed a tissue, and stroked his way to release. He wiped the jizz from his hand and picked his phone up again. Not only had his fighter victoriously poured semen into fighter Hijikata’s ass, but the victory increased his fighter’s max limit, allowing him to continue grinding. He snickered at his unintentional double entendre.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how one looked at it, both men’s phone batteries were nearly dead, and they had no more action points, meaning they couldn’t enter any battles until the system gave them more AP when it refreshed in the morning. They plugged their phones in and went to bed.

**October 5**

**_First thing in the morning, Hijikata time / Asscrack of dark, Gintoki time (6:00 am)_ **

Hijikata woke up with his action points restored to full. Instead of working or doing anything else productive, he sat in his office and beat up KOF fighters, avoiding the battle that had traumatized him with surprise buttsex the previous day. He wondered why the game wasn’t prompting his fighter to fuck any of the super-hot female fighters. Outside of that really weird battle the previous day, the only way the game would let his fighter ‘pound’ any of the other fighters was in the sense of K.O.’ing them with his fighter’s fists. It was like the game was rigged so that the only fighter his fighter could have sex with was one who looked like someone he had no desire to screw!

Throughout the day, Hijikata picked up a number of battle cards, including a special ‘pre-attack’ card that increased his fighter’s defense points. Unfortunately, his fighter’s next levels were slow to come. Then, he received another tip from the game. A box popped up that read, _“Win a battle against Yorozuya Gin-chan in Hard Mode. Use your level 1 ‘pre-attack’ card to absorb more of your enemy’s attack.”_ He was wary to do as the game suggested, but he was also desperate to level up like he had before. He went into the assigned battle.

Gintoki was woken up when his phone chimed, alerting him to a new tip from the game. “ _Congratulations! You have been awarded a special ‘pre-attack’ card that increases your fighter’s attack points! Win a battle against Hijikata in Hard Mode. Use your level 1 ‘pre-attack’ card to loosen up your enemy’s defenses.”_ He eagerly entered the battle as instructed, one hand tapping his phone screen and controlling his fighter; the other hand down the front of his pajama pants.

Simultaneously, they tapped their respective ‘pre-attack’ buttons when confronted with their enemy.

Hijikata recoiled as he watched the fighter who looked just like Gintoki wet two fingers in his own mouth and use them to loosen up Hijikata-in-the-game’s ass. A clock at the top of the screen counted down the longest sixty seconds of Hijikata’s life while his fighter prepared to ‘absorb more of his enemy’s attack.’ When time was up, Gintoki pressed his ‘weapon release’ button, and Hijikata reluctantly pressed his ‘absorb attack’ button, knowing full well his fighter was about to get fucked again, this time on his back on top of a moving passenger train. He closed his eyes, only peeking periodically to see if he won.

Both fighters climaxed, won the battle, and leveled up. Also, their special ‘pre-attack’ cards were bumped up to level 2.

Gintoki wiped the jizz off his hand with a tissue and immediately went to try out his level 2 ‘pre-attack’ card on Hijikata. The battle looked just like it had a minute ago, except instead of fucking on top of a moving passenger train, they were simply fighting, exchanging sword slashes, kicks, and punches. How disappointing. Even more disappointing, Gintoki lost. He tried twice more, with the same result. He was annoyed with the game and tired as fuck. He set his phone down and went back to sleep.

The game had immediately given Hijikata another tip that predictably read, _“Win a battle against Yorozuya Gin-chan in Hard Mode. Use your level 2 ‘pre-attack’ card to absorb more of your enemy’s attack.”_ He ignored the tip. He didn’t care to find out what level 2 of his ‘pre-attack’ card did. He refused to get fucked again. He went to grind his fighter the old-fashioned way, but progress was frustratingly slow, and he had work to do. He got dressed, putting his phone in his breast pocket, where it belonged, and attended to his Vice Chief duties.

**_Middle of the day, Hijikata time / First thing in the morning, Gintoki time (noon)_ **

Hijikata got in a few hours of work before reaching his breaking point. He was sick of the first squad’s captain literally trying to kill him, and he was anxious about not leveling up. He gave in, going to his room, putting in his earbuds, and doing as the tip from earlier in the day had said.

Gintoki got up and spent a few minutes eating a meal with Kagura before his phone chimed with a notification from the game, suggesting, _“Win a battle against Hijikata in Hard Mode. Use your level 2 ‘pre-attack’ card to loosen up your enemy’s defenses.”_

He pumped his fist and yelled, “Yes!!”

“What happened, Gin-chan? Did Ketsuno Ana block you on L*ne again?”

“No.” He sighed longingly. “I wish she would unblock me and block me again. It felt so good to know she was thinking of me.”

Kagura wrinkled her nose and commented, “Men are weird.”

“You’re weird,” he deadpanned in response, sticking his finger up his nose and taking his phone to his room. He could not wait to see what level 2 of his ‘pre-attack’ card would do. Would he fuck Hijikata even harder? Would he shove a large dildo inside him and call it “prep”? Not that Gintoki wanted to fuck Hijikata! But you see, it was the only way to level up quickly. Plus, his moans were so hot… _Ahem._ Just kidding. No, really. Just the leveling up thing.

Gintoki put his earbuds in and faced fighter Hijikata on the roof of the moving passenger train again. He grinned sadistically and pressed the ‘pre-attack’ button.

Hijikata also pressed his ‘pre-attack’ button.

In game, the two of them wrapped their arms around each other, pressing their bodies together, and shared a wet, passionate kiss under a thirty second countdown clock.

Gintoki’s jaw dropped, and the pupils of his wide eyes turned to mere dots. He was in shock. Watching his fighter fuck fighter Hijikata, he could handle, but watching his fighter _romance_ him was something else entirely. He had never been interested in romance, or at least he’d never met anyone whom he felt was worth the trouble of carrying on an emotionally intimate relationship. Just screwing, with or without catching the other person’s name, was much easier.

Fighter Hijikata threaded fingers through fighter Gintoki’s hair and licked the roof of his mouth. Real-life Hijikata popped a stiffie, which was ridiculous! He would have rather cut his cigarette and mayonnaise consumption in half than made out with that gross, sugar addicted moron while they relieved each other of their clothing! It was just that…you see…it had been, shall we say, ‘a while’ since Hijikata was kissed and got to feel another warm human body against his, the way Hijikata on-screen was.

The animation was a little glitchy, as their clothes should have been blown off the roof, given the train’s speed, but… Wait, that wasn’t really the issue. The issue was that ever since Hijikata grew out of his adolescent ‘sex as stress relief’ phase, he had come to dislike casual sex, which was all the game had offered thus far. Now it was offering something Hijikata longed for. Most people were unaware of his romantic side that he kept hidden behind a gruff façade.

When the countdown was finished, the kiss ended, and thirty seconds of fingering began. When that was done, they fucked. The whole thing ended with fighter Gintoki ejaculating inside fighter Hijikata, fighter Hijikata ejaculating onto his own stomach, real-life Hijikata ejaculating into a tissue, and real-life Gintoki ejaculating into his own hand. Both real-life men saw “YOU WON,” and both ‘pre-attack’ cards went to level 3.

The game delivered Hijikata exactly the tip he expected: _“Win a battle against Yorozuya Gin-chan in Expert Mode. Use your level 3 ‘pre-attack’ card to absorb more of your enemy’s attack.”_ Fuck it. Absolutely motherfuck it. After offering empirical evidence that Sakata Gintoki was currency at his spank bank, his pride was long gone.

Gintoki waited on pins and needles for a minute before getting the tip he was hoping for. _“Win a battle against Hijikata in Expert Mode,”_ the game urged, _“Use your level 3 ‘pre-attack’ card to loosen up your enemy’s defenses.”_

Both men began the battle, pressing their ‘pre-attack’ buttons and waiting restlessly to see what new sex act would be added to their fighters’ repertoires. After twenty seconds of their fighters making out and stripping each other naked, fighter Gintoki went down on his knees on the roof of the train and performed fellatio on fighter Hijikata for twenty seconds. That was followed by twenty seconds of fingering, and then they fucked. Fighter Hijikata moaned even more loudly while being fucked, and Gintoki got over his shock from seeing someone that looked like him romance someone who looked like the Vice Chief of the tax thieves. As expected, they both won, and both fighters and their ‘pre-attack’ cards leveled up.

Hijikata barely read the box that popped up on his screen about using his level 4 ‘pre-attack’ card before mashing the button to start the battle. The same happened on Gintoki’s end.

As during the previous battle, the two fighters kissed while standing, and then fighter Gintoki went down on his knees to give a blowjob. The new ‘pre-attack’ technique obtained by unlocking level 4 of their cards manifested next. Fighter Hijikata turned around, and fighter Gintoki licked and fingered and stuck his tongue in the hole in front of his face.

Hijikata felt queasy. He had been the ‘mouth’ in ass-to-mouth before, and he didn’t mind it, but being the ‘ass’ in ass-to-mouth struck him as highly unpleasant. Even if he were hell-bent on taking a dick up the ass, he would have preferred that his partner just use personal lubricant. Thankfully, the visually displeasing foreplay finally ended, and fighter Gintoki took fighter Hijikata on his back again.

Both fighters leveled up, their ‘pre-attack’ cards went to level 5, and the real-life men were encouraged to test the next level of their cards against one another in Expert Mode.

Fortunately for Hijikata, he was spared from having to decide whether or not to follow the game’s prodding. His phone battery was nearly drained, he was out of AP, and he needed sleep if he was going to be at his best tomorrow in the game, _er_ , at work, at work.

Gintoki wanted to follow the game’s advice to use his level 5 card, but his phone had only 1% battery left, and he was out of AP. His body was also nearly out of juice, as he had failed to eat since noon. Both men plugged their phones into their charging cables and went to sleep.

**October 6**

**_Early morning, Hijikata time / Late night, Gintoki time (4:30 am)_ **

Both men woke up extra early and began the battle while lying in bed. Expert Mode was set on a beautiful, secluded beach at sunset. Both men pressed their ‘pre-attack’ buttons and held their breath to find out what the people on their screens would do.

First, the fighters stood on the sand and kissed. The fact that neither was wearing more than swim trunks meant disrobing was quick. After fifteen seconds of making out, fighter Gintoki went down on his knees and spent forty-five seconds working with his hands and mouth on both the front and back of his opponent. Fighter Hijikata then went down on all fours, and fighter Gintoki inexplicably picked up Lake Toya, which he had tossed aside earlier. He depressed a small plunger at the end of the hilt. Personal lubricant squirted out of the end of Gintoki’s bokuto, landing on Hijikata’s hole and Gintoki’s analog stick.

Real-life Gintoki was pissed off. Why did people think it was ok to fuck with the functionality of the main character’s weapon?!

Real-life Hijikata’s relief at seeing personal lubricant used on the fighter who looked just like him was short-lived. It ended when said fighter moaned shamefully while taking it doggy style.

Fighter Gintoki thrust faster than he’d been able to before, thanks to the lube. Real-life Gintoki forgave the crime against his weapon when moan after delectable moan came from fighter Hijikata’s mouth as he was fucked to climax. Both fighters won and were leveled up, along with their ‘pre-attack’ cards.

The real-life versions of the men on screen began their days with a vigorous exercise of a particular part of their bodies. They hurriedly cleaned up the sticky mess they each made and waited for the tip telling them to go into battle in Expert Mode using their level 6 ‘pre-attack’ cards.

Level 6 turned out to be a condom, which made a couple of important differences compared to level 5. First, fighter Gintoki lasted a lot longer, allowing both players to rack up more points. Second, as fighter Hijikata came, he called out passionately, “Gintoki!”

Hijikata blushed so hard, his skin turned the color of boiled lobster shell.

Normally, Gintoki didn’t have the sexual stamina to give himself back-to-back tug jobs, but there he was, cumming hard again just a few minutes after getting off. He was starting to understand why all the fangirls were so enamored of Nakai Kazuya’s deep voice.

Another victory and leveling up of fighters and cards led to the men heeding the game’s call to battle in Expert Mode with their level 7 ‘pre-attack’ cards. There were two big surprises: One, the card’s level-up added nothing sexual; it merely equipped fighter Gintoki with a warm, wet cloth that he used to gently clean the excess lube from fighter Hijikata’s backside when they were done. Two, the battle ended with fighter Hijikata blushing and saying, “See you later, Gintoki.”

Real-life Gintoki’s heart may have fluttered at that moment, but it was probably because he had been playing the game too much and neglecting sleep and food. He waited for the next tip to come up on screen, but it didn’t happen before he fell back asleep. 

The reason Gintoki didn’t get the tip he was hoping for was because Hijikata didn’t act on the tip he was given, which said, _“Your fighter has been flipped from Defense Type to Attack Type. You have earned a ‘weapon release’ card. Use it to win a battle against Yorozuya Gin-chan in Lunatic Mode.”_

Hijikata inferred that the game meant for the fighters to switch roles. He would have been more than happy to level up as seme if all it entailed was thrusting it into fighter Gintoki, and he wouldn’t have minded if his opponent didn’t look like someone he knew, but he didn’t think he could handle the embarrassment of having his fighter do to fighter Gintoki all the things fighter Gintoki had done to his fighter. He would have to summon courage or maybe shamelessness before he could do it.

**_Mid-morning, Hijikata time / Early morning, Gintoki time (10:00 am)_ **

Hijikata only got a couple hours of work done before he received a call from his boss, who was being held by the prefectural police on suspicion of stalking. It seemed some concerned citizens had called the police when they spotted Kondou up a telephone pole, wearing only a fundoshi on a chilly autumn day, peering through a young woman’s window from afar using a pair of binoculars. After bailing the Shinsengumi’s Chief out of police custody, he was stressed out and wanted to escape into a world of gay sex – _uh_ …fighting. Yes, he could no longer resist the allure of leveling up and winning in what was primarily a _fighting_ game. He entered the battle against Yorozuya Gin-chan in Lunatic Mode.

Gintoki was startled awake by a notification from the game. It read, _“Your fighter has been flipped from Attack Type to Defense Type. You have earned an ‘absorb attack’ card. Use it to win a battle against Hijikata in Lunatic Mode.”_ It didn’t take a genius to figure out that ‘Defense Type’ meant uke, and ‘absorb attack’ was a euphemism for swallowing an analog stick with your other mouth. Gintoki didn’t have any objections. While he had experience with both roles, he was significantly more experienced being the uke. The reason for this was simple; he was lazy, and it was less work to just lie there and take it than it was to do all the prep and give it. He entered the battle and pressed his new ‘absorb attack’ button. For no reason that made sense, there was suddenly a barrel on top of the moving passenger train. Fighter Gintoki dropped his pants, baring his ass, and bent over the barrel.

The grunts made by fighter Gintoki when he was on top did nothing for Hijikata, but the moans coming from fighter Gintoki’s mouth as he was pounded from behind made the front of Hijikata’s pants feel uncomfortably tight. As soon as “YOU WON” appeared on screen, he came hard by his own hand.

The previous times Hijikata became aroused while playing the game were because of a general longing for romantic intimacy, but the jizz he was wiping off his hand in that particular moment seemed to have been brought forth by a more specific desire. If anyone had been observing his actions over the last several minutes, they might have objectively concluded he had a desire to fuck Sakata Gintoki up the ass. The thought was devastating. A beneficial byproduct of the devastation it wrought was that any remaining face he had been trying to save was demolished. He had nothing to lose in seeing what he had started through to the end.

He hovered his finger above his phone’s screen. The millisecond the tip appeared, telling him, _“Win a battle against Yorozuya Gin-chan in Lunatic Mode. Use your level 8 ‘pre-attack’ card to loosen up your enemy’s defenses,”_ he mashed the button.

_“Win a battle against Hijikata in Lunatic Mode. Use your level 8 ‘pre-attack’ card to absorb more of your enemy’s attack,”_ the game told Gintoki. He wiped the jizz from his hand and went back into battle, not because the game was giving him the most sexual satisfaction he’d experienced in a long time, but because it was his only option for leveling his fighter up farther. Also, fighter Gintoki seemed to be enjoying himself, and who was Gintoki to deny his virtual self the pleasure?

Levels 8 through 11 were exactly what they expected. Their fighters made out and shed clothes that defied the laws of physics by falling to the roof of the moving passenger train without being blown away, followed by fighter Hijikata fingering fighter Gintoki, giving him head, and eating his ass. Of course, all four rounds of battle culminated in fighter Gintoki on his back, legs up in the air, being pounded mercilessly by fighter Hijikata, who turned out to be a shockingly adept seme. Each time, both fighters won and were leveled up, along with their cards. In the real world, several tissues were expended cleaning up various bodily fluids messes.

Moving up to level 12 of their cards also moved them to Inferno Mode on the beach. Gintoki grimaced when, after fighter Hijikata was done with his usual ‘pre-attack’ prep work, he picked up a mayonnaise bottle that inexplicably had been somewhere in his swim trunks and used it to squirt an unconventional, egg-based ‘personal lubricant’ of sorts on the respective body parts doing the giving and taking. The reaction of fighter Gintoki, who had gone down on all-fours, was anything but negative. He curled his fingers and toes into the sand in pleasure and moaned loudly. Gintoki was disgusted by the mayonnaise abuse, but it didn’t keep him from using the battle as masturbation fodder.

When fighter Gintoki moaned out “Toushirou!” during the climax of level 13, Gintoki actually gave a derisive laugh in the middle of jerking off. If he called the real-life Demon Vice Chief by his given name, especially if he _moaned_ the name, he would probably be arrested.

On the other end of Edo, the passionate cry of Hijikata’s given name was met with no derision. As he came into a tissue, Hijikata inadvertently let out a pleasured groan that was loud enough to get Yamazaki’s attention.

“Vice Chief, are you all right?” a concerned voice asked from the other side of the door.

“I’m fine!!” Hijikata swallowed hard and repeated calmly, “I’m fine, thank you.”

Fortunately, that seemed to placate Yamazaki, whose shadow moved away from the door. Hijikata went back into battle.

Toward the end of level 14, fighter Hijikata delicately cleaned the golden-white condiment from Gintoki’s backside with a wet, warm cloth. Real-life Gintoki gagged. Disgusting. He had to look away to finish getting himself off. Fighter Gintoki smiled, winked, and said, “See you soon, Toushirou.”

Hijikata the closet romantic was swept off his feet by fighter Gintoki’s smooth flirtation. Hijikata the man who shamelessly desired to fuck a dude came hard into a tissue, giving no care to how loudly he was non-verbally expressing his pleasure.

“Vice Chief, are you sure everything’s all right?” came Yamazaki’s even more concerned voice.

Ashamed of how negligent he’d been and worried Yamazaki was going to open the door, Hijikata quickly cleaned up, answering nervously, “Ah, uh, y-yeah! E-everything’s fine!”

Everything did not sound fine to Yamazaki. He opened the door and deduced from the pile of spent tissues and the fact that Hijikata had been in bed all day that he must have been under the weather. He asked compassionately, “Is there anything I can bring you, Vice Chief? You seem really sick.”

Holy fuck. With the door open, Hijikata could see that it was pitch black outside. He looked at his nearly dead phone and noted that it was after 10:00 pm. He had spent a whole day making his fighter kiss fighter Gintoki and pounding him into the roof of a passenger train and dirtying a beautiful, pristine beach! Wait…Why didn’t anyone try to get him to work today? Why did the entire Shinsengumi leave him alone and allow him to play a smartphone game for twelve straight hours? He paraphrased the latter question. “Why didn’t anyone bother me today? Usually, I can’t go for five minutes without you asking me something or Sougo trying to blow me up.”

“Didn’t you tell Captain Okita to let everyone know you were ill and to let you rest today? That’s what the Chief told everyone.”

Sougo did that? That made little to no sense, but he saw only drawbacks to countering the untruth. With a fake smile, he said, “R-right! Thanks for letting me rest.”

Next, Hijikata needed Yamazaki to go away so he could process how a workaholic missed twelve hours of work. Noting that he had used most of his tissues over the past few days, he answered Yamazaki’s previous question. “Would you mind bringing me another box of tissues? You can leave it outside the door since I might be asleep when you get back.”

“Sure thing, Vice Chief. Get well soon,” Yamazaki said, sliding the door shut and leaving.

Hijikata used one of his last few clean tissues to dab away the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. He wasn’t normally one to cry, but looking back on the past three days, he was ashamed. Playing any smartphone game during work hours went against his bushido, never mind a game where the ‘fighters’ spent more of their time humping each other like rabbits in early spring than fighting. Watching someone who looked like him have sex with someone who looked like Yorozuya and hearing someone who looked like him call out the given name of Yorozuya in pure ecstasy had been huge blows to his pride. The miniscule shards of his dignity that remained would have been obliterated if he had actual feelings for Yorozuya. No need to worry there. At best, he respected him as a comrade in protecting Edo.

He was starving, having not eaten since breakfast. He pulled the mayo bottle from his jacket pocket but put it right back when he realized he didn’t want to consume the item his fighter had used as makeshift personal lubricant in the game. At that point, his phone was completely dead. He plugged it in and allowed emotional exhaustion to carry him off to sleep.

Gintoki’s phone was almost dead, so he plugged it in. Even though it was still early, just past 10:00 pm, and he hadn’t moved off of his futon all day, he felt drowsy. He laid down and closed his eyes, but he couldn’t sleep. You know how sometimes when you start playing a new video game, you see afterimages of it? Like, when you play T*tris until 4:00 am on a school night and can’t fall asleep once you go to bed, because you’re seeing T*tris pieces falling, with the insides of your eyelids as the backdrop? Well, that was happening to him, except he hadn’t been playing anything as tame as T*tris. He tossed and turned but didn’t fall asleep until after he had rubbed one out to a fantasy of being fucked on top of a moving passenger train.

**October 7**

**_First thing in the morning, Hijikata time (6:00 am)_ **

Hijikata woke to a fully charged phone and peace of mind. He was confident he could put the events of the past few days behind him. His first step would be to uninstall that fucking app. He turned his phone on and was livid to see a notification from the game that read, _“Now that you have conquered Yorozuya Gin-chan’s heart in the game, go conquer it in real life! Thanks for playing!!!”_

What a crock of fucking shit. He uninstalled the app and went about his day.

**_First thing in the morning, Gintoki time (noon)_ **

Gintoki woke to a fully charged phone and a notification from the game that read, _“Now that you have conquered Hijikata’s heart in the game, go conquer it in real life! Thanks for playing!!!”_

What a load of bullshit! He had no desire to conquer Hijikata’s heart in any location, and especially not in real life! He tried playing the game, but leveling up his fighter was proving nearly impossible. He prayed for the game to let him bend his fighter over a barrel and get railed in exchange for improved stats, but it never happened. Being unable to make progress in the game was beyond frustrating, and also his employees were punching him and yelling at him about how little he had been working of late. Thus, to avoid any further disappointment with the game and any further damage to his body and ear drums, he stopped playing and went to work.

**October 10**

**_Early morning, Gintoki time (8:00 am)_ **

Gintoki was woken up by a red-haired girl jumping on him and saying, “Happy birthday, Gin-chan!”

He took a minute to recover from the equivalent impact of a piano being dropped out of the sky and landing directly on him and said, “Thanks. Now, go away.”

She tugged on his pajama sleeve and begged, “Please, please, Gin-chan, get up! Let’s go to IH*P! You can eat for free cuz it’s your birthday, and I’ll eat for free cuz I’ll win their 5kg pancake eating challenge!”

His stomach growled loudly at the reminder that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast the day before. He agreed, “Fine, fine. Let me take a shower and stuff, ok?”

“Yay!” Kagura celebrated her pancake challenge victory in advance, then she pinched her nose and appealed, “Please use a lot of soap, Gin-chan. You smell terrible. How long has it been since you bathed?”

He had no idea. Time spent bathing would have been time spent not playing a smartphone game, so he imagined it had been close to a week. Before he could bathe or do anything else, he needed to get rid of the alien girl who was heavier than she looked. He threatened, “Get off me, or I’ll hug you!”

She ran away, and he checked his phone for the thousandth time in the past few days in hopes of a message encouraging him to battle Hijikata – using ‘weapon release’ or ‘absorb attack’; he didn’t care which – but there was no message. He was disappointed. He wanted to spend his birthday kicking ass and occasionally having virtual sex. Instead, he took a ravenous teenager to IH*P and watched her eat 5kg of pancake.

**_Evening, Hijikata time / Early evening, Gintoki time (10:00 pm)_ **

Using his dwindling cigarette supply as an excuse, Hijikata let Yamazaki know he was going out. Really, he had enough tobacco, but he needed fresh air. He smoked as he took a leisurely walk, but he was uneasy, and he knew why. Three days after uninstalling KOF, he was going through full-blown video game addiction withdrawals. He bargained with himself. Maybe he could play the game, but not the fuck-y parts. It was fun as a fighting game, too!

Worried someone would recognize him even in his casual clothes and find it odd that the Shinsengumi’s Demon Vice Chief was playing a smartphone game, he stepped into a dimly lit alley, pulled out his phone, and reinstalled the game. To his relief, it had saved his fighter and stats, and it didn’t say anything weird about ‘conquering hearts’ or whatnot.

He was in the middle of beating up Catherine when a notification popped up on screen. _“Congratulations, Hijikata! You have been chosen by the creator of KOF to participate in a live battle! To join, tap ‘accept.’”_

He hesitated. He wanted to avoid getting sucked into the game again, but this sounded like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The creator of the game was personally inviting him! As long as it was just fighting and not that other activity he had done in-game previously, he was down for it. He tapped the ‘accept’ button and was presented with a screen that read, _“You will be notified when your opponent has arrived. Please be patient, as it may take up to fifteen minutes. Feel free to warm up against Yorozuya Gin-chan while you wait.”_

For ten minutes, he stood in the alley and battled Yorozuya Gin-chan. He was suddenly startled by an elated shout of joy. Curious to know what was going on, he peeked his head out into the street and looked to the right. There was Yorozuya Gin-chan, in the flesh, looking down at his own smartphone and grinning wildly. Hijikata’s phone chimed. He looked down at his screen, and the game notified him, _“Your opponent has arrived. You should see a natural perm walking down the street toward you at your one o’clock.”_

At the same time, Gintoki’s phone chimed. He received a message that said, _“You have arrived at your opponent’s location. You should see a tobacco addict peeking his head out of the alley at your eleven o’clock.”_

In unplanned synchrony, they looked up and made eye contact. Civilizations rose and fell. Pangaea re-formed and then split apart again. Ages, then epochs, periods, eras, and finally eons passed before one of them broke the agonizing silence. With a shaking index finger and twitching brow, Gintoki pointed at Hijikata and asked nervously, “Y-you…? Hav-have I been fu–” he audibly gulped, “… uh… _‘playing’_ against you in KOF??”

Hijikata’s liver, spleen, and stomach twisted together into a single useless organ. Like Gintoki, he had assumed he was playing against the game’s CPU or artificial intelligence. When he saw the name ‘Yorozuya Gin-chan’ on-screen, he thought it was just the name of the enemy fighter and not the identity of the player behind the fighter! To find out he had been playing PvP or, perhaps more accurately, PfP (person fucking person) made him wish for death.

Before Hijikata could think of a response, both of their phones chimed with the same notification. _“Now that you have been introduced to your opponent, please go to the nearby Hotel Abysz, which will be the site for your live battle. As a reward for your accomplishments thus far in the game, a night’s stay has been paid for by the game’s creator. You will find room 106 unlocked and equipped for your battle.”_

They looked up from their phones, and again began the uncomfortable eye contact and intolerable silence. Both were nearly ready to admit that they wanted to do what it seemed they were being asked to do. They had realized through countless hours of gameplay that they were physically attracted to one another. It would have only taken a small push to get them to say, ‘It can’t be helped. Let’s do this thing.’

As if the game were reading their idiotic minds, they received another notification. _“Do it, or your players will never level up again.”_

Being as they were the very portraits of hardcore addiction, they found the thought inconceivable.

“W-well,” Gintoki shrugged and muttered his justification, “if the room has already been paid for…”

Hijikata blushed and sheepishly mumbled the completion of Gintoki’s thought, “…I-I guess it can’t be helped.”

“Yeah,” Gintoki agreed, doubling the area’s blush exposure index, “L-let’s do this thing…”

Shuffling awkwardly down the street three meters apart, as if that would have fooled anyone into thinking they were mere strangers, they made it the couple of blocks to Hotel Abysz and entered room 106. A new notification came in. _“Congratulations! You have cleared challenge #1, ‘Take that man to a love hotel,’ and you have leveled up!”_

The next message varied slightly between the two men. Hijikata’s said, _“To clear challenge #2, ‘Become an exhibitionist,’ set your phone on the shelf above the headboard, screen facing toward where the action will be taking place on the bed. Keep the lights on for the duration of the live battle. Video will be streamed privately to the game’s creator only and will not be recorded.”_ Gintoki’s message was the same, except it instructed him to put his phone on top of the chest of drawers, in front of the TV.

The assurance of privacy didn’t make Hijikata feel any better about his basically becoming an AV actor. He almost didn’t do what he was told, except that Gintoki immediately followed instructions. Hijikata had come this far, and he didn’t want to be seen as a wimp. He put his phone on the headboard shelving.

The next message read, _“The basket on the bed will help you complete challenge #3, ‘Get that ass ready to be railed.’”_

Indeed, the basket on the bed contained a supply of everything they would need for the evening, including shampoo, conditioner, body soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, lip balm, condoms, personal lubricant, and enemas. Just when they thought they could take their time cleaning up and getting ready, a message on their screens clarified, _“The two of you have ten minutes to shower and clean out your insides. You get a bonus for every second you finish before the ten minutes are up.”_ A ticking countdown clock replaced the message.

Gintoki grabbed the basket and ran into the shower. He cleaned himself inside and out in under three minutes, which was good, because backdoor virgin Hijikata had never used an enema before. He quickly showered, cleaning the outside of his body, and then he sat on the toilet doing nothing for quite a while before his desire to level up in the game shoved his pride aside. He asked Gintoki for help. The silver lining of having someone help him purge all the un-sexy matter from his colon was that it made him feel like nothing else they might do could possibly be more embarrassing. They came back out to the room with towels wrapped around their waists.

After telling them they leveled up again and informing them of the unimpressive number of bonus points they received for finishing challenge #3 with only 19 seconds to spare, the next message said, _“To complete challenge #4, ‘Toothpaste taste test,’ make out for five minutes. You can earn bonus points up to five times for every full minute longer the kissing goes on.”_

In other words, they could get the most rewards if they kissed for ten minutes total. With no fear, Gintoki proceeded to close the space between himself and Hijikata, ready to start earning bonus points.

Hijikata’s pride made a resurgence. Holding Gintoki away at arm’s length, he argued ineloquently, “W-w-wait… L-let’s think about this before we do anything too crazy.”

“‘Too crazy’?” Gintoki echoed, one eyebrow raised in disbelief. “I helped you take a dump. This is just kissing.”

Well, when he worded it that way, Hijikata couldn’t counter him. He gave in, letting his arms go limp. “F-fine…”

Gintoki put one hand at the small of Hijikata’s back, and the other cupped Hijikata’s face. He closed his eyes and softly kissed Hijikata.

The moment their lips touched, Hijikata realized why he was so leery of kissing, and it wasn’t because of pride. He had unconsciously known that the damn romantic part of him might fall for a sugar idiot if they shared such intimacy, and fuck if he couldn’t feel it happening already. He wrapped his arms around Gintoki, pulled him closer, and deepened the kiss.

Gintoki hadn’t been the least bit leery of kissing, but now that they were doing it, and especially since the mayo idiot had begun taking the initiative, red flags were popping up in his mind. The flags didn’t come with any specific warnings. All he knew was that the situation was probably going in a direction he wasn’t ready for. He would have spent more brain power worrying about it, except that Hijikata was a great kisser, and it was making blood rush to a part of Gintoki other than his brain.

During the Soul Switch Arc, Hijikata had touched Gintoki’s body only out of necessity. Comparing that experience to touching it with his own hands while kissing was like comparing apples and oranges, as was the comparison between watching their video game characters kiss and doing it in real life, although both of the latter made him grow a third leg.

Once the front of the towel around Gintoki’s waist protruded far enough, he was surprised to feel a similar protrusion originating from underneath Hijikata’s towel. He added fuel to the boner fire by subtly rolling his hips into Hijikata’s.

Hijikata’s arousal was making him go weak in the knees. Rather than risk accidentally breaking the kiss by falling to the floor, potentially causing them to miss out on an opportunity to level up, he kept their lips locked and shoved Gintoki onto his back on the bed. Straddling Gintoki, he kissed him with even greater fervor.

In the commotion of the sudden change of locale, their towels had come off. Gintoki was not prepared for an incredibly sexy fully nude body against his own fully nude body. They were tongue to tongue, chest to chest, and erection to erection, and the stimulation was enough to make Gintoki moan. Was this what the red flags were warning him about earlier? Must have been. As far as dangers went, this one wasn’t bad at all. In fact, the position was perfect for touching many of the enticing parts of a body Gintoki had fantasized about long before the fuck-y version of KOF came into his life. He caressed Hijikata’s silky hair and grabbed his toned ass.

It felt like at least five minutes had gone by, so Hijikata opened his eyes to check the time. He broke the kiss, gasped, and practically leaped to the other end of the bed. He couldn’t believe ten minutes had passed. Kissing, touching, and being touched by Gintoki felt so good. His brain cells had been too busy jacking themselves off to keep track of the clock.

Gintoki was confused and worried Hijikata was chickening out until he lifted his head up and looked at his own phone. From across the room, he couldn’t read anything other than the word _“Congratulations!”_ Whoa, had it been five minutes already?! Time flies when you’re having horny fun. He sat up and looked at Hijikata’s phone to see the rest of the message. It read, _“Congratulations! You have cleared challenge #4, and you have maximized your bonus by making out for the full ten minutes.”_ Ok, scratch that; it had apparently been _ten_ minutes already!

The message that followed read, _“Next, complete challenge #5, ‘A different kind of mouthwash,’ by sucking each other to completion. Bonus points if you sixty-nine.”_

Sucking a dick is arguably less romantic than kissing and therefore easier on the heart, so Hijikata was fine with the idea. Not to mention, he was fucking hard as hell and in dire need of getting off. Examining his fingernails for no good reason, he inarticulately proposed tackling the challenge at hand. “So, uh…d-do you wanna…? F-f-f-for the points, obviously.”

“Y-yeah…for the points,” Gintoki lied. He would have paid good money to get a blowjob from Hijikata. Given that Hijikata acted like using an enema might kill him, he was at least a bottom virgin. In fact, Gintoki wouldn’t have been surprised to hear Hijikata had never been kissed before. Luckily, Hijikata must have found time between his cigarette smoking and mayonnaise eating obsessions for kissing, and he wasn’t acting like this was his first time sixty-nining. Good. Maybe Gintoki had something like thorny Toshi on his hands and not quite the blushing virgin Hijikata appeared to be.

Taking advantage of being the first to make a move, Hijikata pulled the covers down to the foot of the bed, so they could stain the bed sheets instead of the bedspread, and laid down on his back. Being the bottom half of the sixty-nine saved him the shame of shoving his asshole right in Gintoki’s face. Gintoki climbed on top. If it had happened a week earlier, smacking Hijikata in the face with his stiff dick would have gotten Gintoki disemboweled, but Hijikata was a different man in that moment than he had been seven days prior. For one thing, he had become hopelessly addicted to KOF and would have done anything to level up. As the small, tinny speaker on Gintoki’s phone blared the game’s repetitive, synthesized rock music, Hijikata began massaging the head of the opponent fighter’s, _er_ , Gintoki’s dick with his taste buds and the roof of his mouth.

Gintoki eagerly ate Hijikata’s cock, satisfying the teeny, tiny obsession he had with penis skin. No other part of a man’s body has skin so soft and delicate. Gintoki could have spent hours just gently stroking a dick, stiff or flaccid. He got even more enjoyment from giving head. There was no comparable method for getting the type of reaction he was getting from Hijikata. There was another part of his body that, with lube, was as wet and warm as his mouth, but the muscles down there are primarily involuntary, whereas the tongue is primarily voluntary, and Gintoki liked to think of his as extraordinarily talented. They had upped the ante by sixty-nining, and he was experiencing the singular joy of having a man simultaneously thrust his pelvis toward his face and groan in pleasure while choking on his cock.

It didn’t take long for the two seasoned fellatio-performing veterans to clear the aptly named ‘a different kind of mouthwash’ challenge. Gintoki climbed off of Hijikata and sat on the bed. The two of them paid little attention to the game’s notification that they had cleared the challenge and leveled up, as they were too occupied with swallowing, wiping their mouths off, catching their breath, and gazing at each other.

As Gintoki had always thought would be the case, thorny Toshi who sucked cock was insanely hot. If this were what he’d get behind closed doors, he could have settled for one sex partner for the rest of his life… Whoa, whoa! What a scary thought! Damn. Maybe that was what all the red flags were about earlier. They were trying to warn him that he could really fall for thorny Toshi if he wasn’t careful to keep emotions out of the equation.

Everyone who has seen Gintoki is aware he has unusually pale skin. However, Hijikata was unaware of the light pink flush Gintoki’s entire body donned after he reached orgasm. It was fucking sexy as hell, and Hijikata had the conscious thought that he wouldn’t mind seeing it every day for the rest of his life. That thought, of course, embarrassed him and made him blush. His blush went unnoticed with the distraction of their phone screens displaying the next challenge.

The blush and all the other color drained from Hijikata’s face as he read his phone’s screen. It said, _“Clear challenge #6, ‘Hit a home run,’ by causing yourself and your opponent to climax by allowing yourself to be penetrated anally with his penis. Watch for opportunities to obtain bonuses along the way!”_

Why, oh why, did Hijikata have to be on the bottom first? Merely seeing his fighter get fucked in the ass in-game the first time was enough to make his soul begin the journey to the reincarnation cycle. What if doing it for the first time in real life caused his soul to leave his body and refuse to come back? Since he had become a pathetic smartphone game addict, so willing to feed his obsession with leveling up that he would let someone with whom he wasn’t in a romantic relationship stick his dick inside him, would he be reincarnated to a time and place with no mayonnaise? Worse, what if connecting physically made him fall for Gintoki?

Gintoki’s screen said the same thing as Hijikata’s, with the exception of telling him to penetrate his opponent. He was a little scared, to be honest. As he was less experienced being the seme, he lacked confidence in his ability to give his virgin partner pleasure. Still, he was swayed by the in-game rewards he’d receive. For that reason alone, he found the strength to tell himself he was ready.

However, he knew his virginal opponent probably wasn’t ready. Indeed, when Gintoki looked away from his phone, he found a mere shell of the Demon Vice Chief sitting there. Gintoki grasped both of Hijikata’s shoulders and shook him back to reality.

A color other than light grey returned to Hijikata’s countenance, and he articulated his fear in a tense, terrified voice. “I… I can’t do this…”

Once upon a time, Gintoki had been the coach of a high school athletics team. Ok, not really, but that’s how he was depicted on a mechanical pencil and ruler set one time, so he was confident he could motivate Hijikata to overcome his fear of losing his virginity. He placed a steady hand on the nape of Hijikata’s neck and forced him to make eye contact.

“Listen up,” coach Gintoki said, “Have you passed the extreme level of the EXP power-up dungeon?”

Hijikata shook his head no.

“Me either. You punch, kick, and slash at Catherine for, like, three-and-a-half minutes, and you think you can beat her before you run out of HP, but at the last second, she transforms into Cassapee, with her short schoolgirl skirt, and the disgusting sight finishes you off!”

Hijikata shook his head in agreement.

“Don’t you hate it? Doesn’t it piss you off?” Gintoki’s questions were met with another round of agreeing nods from Hijikata. Gintoki concluded with a rousing call to action. “You saw how much we leveled up by sixty-nining. Think of how much we’ll level up if we do this. Imagine how good it will feel to blast Catherine with your mayo gun and hear her scream in broken Japanese as she disintegrates the next time you run that dungeon!”

Oddly, that Gintoki wanted to fuck for such a base reason actually made agreeing to go all the way easier for Hijikata. As long as it was just part of the game for Gintoki, there was no need to worry about the long-term repercussions of performing an act that could irreversibly change the nature of their relationship if it were taken seriously.

“It’s your first time, right?” With striking sincerity, Gintoki soothed Hijikata’s worries. “I’ll take it slow; I promise.”

Hijikata found it embarrassing that Gintoki had figured out he was to be his first, and it was intimidating that Gintoki seemed to have plenty of experience and wasn’t acting even a little bit nervous. On the other hand, Gintoki’s confidence and earnest promise to be extra gentle with a first timer were assuring. Hijikata slowly nodded and took deep breaths in and out, psyching himself up for the task ahead.

“All right, good,” Gintoki said, giving Hijikata a bolstering pat on the shoulder, “I’ll be right back.”

Gintoki went to the bathroom to get the basket of sexytime stuff, using the opportunity of being out of Hijikata’s sight for a moment to discreetly wipe the sweat from his brow. He was really worried for a second back there that Hijikata wasn’t going to agree to the challenge. That would have been bad. If they didn’t do what the game’s creator wanted, they might never level up again. Seriously, what kind of voyeuristic pervert was this game’s creator, anyway?

He brought the basket out and sat it on the floor next to the bed. He was about to select from the basket a bottle of lube and start loosening Hijikata up, but one look at Hijikata told him the man was nowhere near ready. He was sitting on the bed in an overtly defensive position, hugging his knees, with his face buried in his forearms. Gintoki couldn’t see Hijikata’s dick with him sitting in that position, but he was sure it was not only flaccid but probably actively retreating into his pelvis. Hijikata had been plenty receptive to kissing and getting blown earlier, so maybe he just needed another dose of foreplay to get him to loosen up in general so that Gintoki could loosen him up down there.

Gintoki sat down on the bed in front of Hijikata. Gently taking hold of his wrists, he pulled his arms away from his body, revealing timid, blinking blue eyes looking at him from underneath a thick row of dark lashes. Gintoki smiled and thought, _‘How cute.’_ Wait, no, not ‘cute’! Gintoki didn’t think Hijikata was ‘cute.’ He wanted sexy thorny Toshi… but shy Toshi was charming in his own way.

Why was Gintoki being so nice? And what was with that genuine smile? And why did Hijikata suddenly have a butterfly habitat inside his stomach? He got answers to none of his questions before Gintoki pried his limbs open, drew him close, and kissed him. The kiss was so natural; it put Hijikata at ease enough to feel comfortable going after more. He scooted closer, touching Gintoki’s arms, chest, and sides, enjoying the way the muscles rippled under his fingertips. Hijikata was blissful, and he was hard from Gintoki’s expert stroking.

Making out and giving mutual handjobs sounded perfect to Hijikata, but alas, the universe had more in store for him. Gintoki broke the kiss, laid down on his back, with his head on a pillow, made tushy-squeezing motions with his hands, and beckoned, “Come here. Let me get a look at that ass.”

Gintoki’s choice of words hit the nail on the head. The very, very last thing Hijikata wanted was someone _looking_ at what he was sure was the least attractive part of his body. Was it too late for him to save face by sprinting to the Terminal and catching the first transport off the planet? Probably. He kept intentionally forgetting that he had already humiliated himself to the max by crying a little while Gintoki helped him with his enema. Really, what normal person _wouldn’t_ cry at the sensation of their colon being filled with liquid, causing involuntary muscles to contract and commencing a bowel movement?

Well, since it was too late to resuscitate Hijikata’s dignity, he went ahead and straddled Gintoki’s face. Despite Gintoki being the one teabagged, with an asshole directly in front of his eyes, Hijikata was the only one feeling any shame. Gintoki spread Hijikata’s cheeks open and did as he said he would; he took a good look.

Hijikata cringed and waited to be teased about the population of dark, curly hair down there, but the reaction was far from teasing.

Gintoki lifted his head up, kissed each ass cheek and then squished his face between the cheeks to leave a kiss directly on top of the hole. Grinning, he declared, “Cute.”

Fuck. There was that word again! Gintoki thought he better get started with the prep work before he turned completely into a smitten pre-teen girl. He reached over the edge of the bed and got a small bottle of lube from the basket. Ooh, lucky! It was strawberry flavored. Eating Hijikata would be all the tastier. He squeezed some of the lube onto his fingertip, spread it on the outside of the virgin hole, pulled down on Hijikata’s hips so he could reach what he was after, and began licking it off like it was frosting.

Hijikata died of embarrassment while sitting on Gintoki’s face. Ok, not really, but he sure felt like he was going to. To keep his mind off the strange though perhaps not entirely unpleasant sensation of a tongue on a part of his body that should never be touched, he recited last season’s Pacific Baseball League stats. Nakamura Takeya led the league with 123 RBI, Ogino Takashi led in both doubles and triples, and Kaneko Yuji had stolen an impressive 41 bases. On the pitching side, despite his low 1.95 ERA, Yamamoto Yoshinobu had relatively few wins among the starting pitchers. In fact, his record was… Oh, holy shit, was he sticking his tongue _inside_ now??? Hijikata thought he might pass out. Gintoki didn’t continue his tongue-fucking for long, which was a double-edged sword. It meant he stopped embarrassing Hijikata into near unconsciousness, but it also meant a finger was about to break through Hijikata’s impregnable fortress of a sphincter.

“Go down on your hands and knees,” Gintoki instructed, and Hijikata did as he was told.

After a far too brief respite while Gintoki loaded an index finger up with lube, enemy soldiers rushed the fortress. Hijikata clenched hard around the single knuckle’s worth of finger inside him.

Gintoki used his other hand to calmly stroke Hijikata’s thigh. He encouraged, “Just relax. You’re doing really good.”

Who was this guy telling to ‘relax’ under these circumstances?! Who possibly could, with the intense… pain…? Actually, once he took a second to pay attention, he wasn’t feeling any pain. It wasn’t comfortable, and it was far from pleasurable, but it became less uncomfortable when he took Gintoki’s advice and relaxed instead of trying to constrict the blood flow to Gintoki’s fingertip.

“I’ll just use one finger for a while, ok?”

Hijikata nodded.

Gintoki slowly pressed the finger in another knuckle and gave up on avoiding using pre-teen girl lingo in his head. ‘Cute’ was the only word to describe the gap between thorny Toshi and easily embarrassed tsukkomi Toshi. Maybe Gintoki liked both sides of Hijikata.

Hijikata started getting a little cocky. One finger wasn’t bad at all. Let’s be honest; a healthy human has objects with more girth pass through this hole daily, albeit the other direction.

“I’m going to add another finger,” Gintoki warned, though it wasn’t much of a warning, as he had already begun pushing an index and middle finger in at the same time as he said it.

Hijikata just knew Gintoki was the kind of person who waits until they’re 90% of the way into changing lanes before they signal and then whines when they get pulled over, ‘But, officer… I _did_ use my turn signal!’ Also, Hijikata now knew that there was a world of difference between one finger and two. Reflecting on past sex partners who had asked him to slow down because it hurt or was uncomfortable, he felt guilty for not taking them more seriously.

The discomfort was eased when Gintoki began pleasuring Hijikata’s dangling cock with his mouth. Any remaining discomfort quickly went away once Gintoki was able to get his fingers deep enough to hit a spot that felt really good. Hijikata made the most embarrassing noise he had ever made, something he could only describe as a ‘whimpering moan.’

Mercy, was this man ever going to stop finding new ways to be cute? Gintoki hoped not. He wanted Hijikata to make whimpering moans the entire time he was fucking him.

One might question why Hijikata didn’t realize he had an erogenous zone inside him, just like all the men he’d ever fucked had, but he always truly believed the bodies of seme and uke were built differently. In hindsight, if the erogenous zone is the prostate, all men’s bodies are built with one of those, and his now-scientifically-disproven belief was nothing more than a poppycock excuse to avoid being on the bottom. He was feeling good, and he was hard, and not just because of what Gintoki was doing with his mouth.

Gintoki tasted precum and took it to mean Hijikata was ready. He let Hijikata’s stiff rod slip out of his mouth and pulled his fingers out. Patting the pillow next to him, he said, “Lie down.”

Oh fuck. This was it. What had happened thus far was just a dress rehearsal for Hijikata’s big, reluctant debut taking it. He climbed off of Gintoki and laid down on his back.

Gintoki sat up and reached for a condom. He got distracted while trying to look cool opening the wrapper with his teeth when he saw Hijikata blushing and watching him with his beautiful, timid, blue eyes. He stopped what he was doing to give Hijikata a quick kiss on the lips and a smile.

Hijikata had a silent heart-to-heart with his, well, _heart_. He told it to stop with the tachycardia and reminded it that its rhythm was driven neither out of fear nor for Sakata Gintoki’s rare moments of thoughtful behavior; it beat for Edo and honor…and mayonnaise.

After a minute’s struggle, Gintoki got the condom wrapper open. He put the condom on and covered it in lube. He had switched from strawberry flavored to plain once he started applying the lube internally, as the strawberry kind seemed like it might feel sticky, and he didn’t want to creep out the soon-to-be former virgin in front of him. He situated himself on his knees between Hijikata’s spread legs, reached underneath Hijikata’s backside and lifted his ass off the bed, and used one hand to hold Hijikata up and the other to guide the tip of his dick in.

Hijikata covered his face with the backs of his hands and forearms, bit his bottom lip, and gave a muffled scream of pain. So many unpleasant things were happening at once. First off, if anyone had ever thought the head of a dick wasn’t that much wider than two fingers, they were wrong! Second, allowing someone else to have control of his body, from its position to what was being forcefully pushed inside it, was plain scary! He was used to having a modicum of control in life, but in that moment, he felt he had none. He was startled when a fingertip softly stroked at one of his open palms. He created an aperture large enough to look through and saw concerned crimson eyes gazing at him.

“Are you ok?” Gintoki asked quietly, “Do you want me to stop?”

In pain and not knowing exactly what he wanted, Hijikata choked out a one-word answer. “I–”

Gintoki pulled out and leaned forward to place a contrite kiss on Hijikata’s open palm before pulling off the condom, tossing it into the basket of sex supplies, and sitting down on the other end of the bed. He was no longer concerned with leveling up or getting points in the game; he was worried about the cute real-life version of his fighter’s nemesis. He felt bad for hurting him. He thought he had done enough prep, and he thought he was going slow enough, but apparently not. His worst fears as a relatively inexperienced seme had come true.

Hijikata uncovered his face and sat up. He felt weak for tapping out so early. He wished he knew what the first time was supposed to be like from the uke’s perspective. Then again, he was in a room with someone who seemed to have experience with both; he could ask. He tentatively posed his question. “Is it normal for it to hurt a lot, even when it’s just barely in?”

Gintoki shook his head yes.

“And…? How long before it stops hurting?”

“Depends. On the first time, maybe a minute or more. Just however long it takes your body to get used to it and relax.”

A minute or two sounded like something Hijikata could handle, especially if he felt like he had control. He proposed an idea. “What if… What if I’m on top instead? I mean – you’d still be the top, but I’d be on top of you, and you would only be allowed to move if I tell you it’s ok.”

Cute, cute, and more cute! Gintoki was seriously falling for this side of Hijikata. He agreed to Hijikata’s terms. “If you’re sure you’re ok with it.”

Hijikata nodded. This new thing where Gintoki was nice and patient and concerned about hurting him was too weird! Hijikata thought he might actually prefer the asshole Gintoki usually was. At least there was no risk of him falling for that prick. He noted that he couldn’t carry out his new plan with both of them having gone pitifully soft, so he patted the pillow next to him, indicating for Gintoki to come over and lie down.

Gintoki laughed under his breath. He was relieved to see that Hijikata was feeling ok enough with the situation to take the initiative. He laid down on his back, head on the pillow, and welcomed the warm body that crawled on top of him and the lips that kissed him. Gintoki really wasn’t much of a ‘take it slow in bed’ kind of person, and for that reason, he preferred not to deal with virgins. However, he was willing to make an exception for the right person – _er_ … uh… for the right amount of leveling up in the game. Yep, that’s why he was doing this.

Hijikata usually approached everything in his life very thoughtfully – cautiously, even – but at this point, he locked lips with Gintoki and allowed Gintoki’s fingers inside him with no hesitation. Within the span of less than an hour, kissing and rubbing their naked bodies together had become natural. If he hadn’t fallen into such an insouciant headspace, he would likely have had some serious concerns about how _right_ it felt to share the highest levels of physical intimacy with Gintoki.

A more cerebral Hijikata would have been aghast to watch this carnal Hijikata break the kiss with Gintoki, come up onto his knees, roll a fresh lubricated condom onto Gintoki, and slowly, carefully take Gintoki inside. It wasn’t as though carnal Hijikata’s mind was _completely_ free of thoughts. It occurred to him in the pain and discomfort he experienced as his body got used to being penetrated that taking the neko role was teaching him how to be a better tachi. He promised himself he would pay better attention going forward when his partners asked him to slow down.

Sex with Hijikata in the game had done virtually nothing to prepare Gintoki mentally for sex with Hijikata in real life. The whole process in the game was _fast_. Foreplay and prep never took more than a minute in total. Sex in real life wasn’t so easy, and getting it right was time-consuming. However, the extra time and effort were worth it. Fucking real-life Hijikata was a million times better than anything that happened in the game or in Gintoki’s thorny Toshi fantasies. Gintoki’s fantasies had minimal detail, containing only what was necessary to get him through a masturbation session. The game was no more detailed than Gintoki’s fantasies, given that the action took place on a tiny screen.

In contrast, real-life sex with Hijikata bombarded Gintoki’s senses with intricate and abundant detail: the crisp, appealing imagery of an attractive man riding him; the adorable little pleasure/pain noises stemming from the attractive man haltingly lowering himself down onto his erection; the intermingled scents of the sexytime basket’s bath products, light sweat, and strawberry lube; the lingering taste of Hijikata’s saliva and semen; and the _touch_ – really, the touch was overwhelming. Gintoki not only had his hands on the warm, beautiful nude body of Hijikata Toushirou; he was _inside_ Hijikata’s beautiful body. The man had willingly given Gintoki his virginity. The truth was almost too wild to believe.

Gintoki felt the urge to thrust into Hijikata as deep as he could go. He wanted him close, and not just physically. In fact, he wouldn’t have minded taking their relationship–

“Ok, y-you can move now,” Hijikata said, breathing heavily from the discomfort he was still experiencing, caveating his permission with the frantic requests, “but go slow! And not too deep!”

Gintoki’s relationship thoughts flew out the window. He devoted all five of his functioning brain cells to fulfilling Hijikata’s request. Slowly but steadily, he rolled his hips upward.

Hijikata closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and gasped for air. Gintoki was being gentle, but getting used to a load of new sensations wasn’t something that could be forced. Once Hijikata had gotten past the major hurdle of convincing his body that what was happening was not an incursion and a precursor to war, he was able to see a miniscule sliver of the appeal of taking it. His body’s sensitivity was dialed up ten times farther than he thought possible. Every little thing – Gintoki pushing in farther or stroking his half-hard dick, or even just fingertips brushing his thigh – sent nerves all across his body aflame. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before. He knew both pain and pleasure, and this was neither. Maybe it was both at once. Fuck, he didn’t know, but whatever it was, he could see himself enjoying it once he got completely used to it.

Seeing Hijikata’s vulnerable and erotic sides in tandem was better than any in-game reward Gintoki could have received. With one hand on Hijikata’s luscious, toned hip and the other pleasuring Hijikata’s increasingly hard cock, he continued his movement pattern: in slowly, a little bit at a time, and then out slowly, a little bit at a time, never going too fast or too deep.

The strategy yielded Hijikata making more and more pleasure noises until he finally gasped out, “ _Mmm_ , _ahh_ , g-gonna…”

“You’re gonna cum? Let’s cum together,” Gintoki replied suavely, as if he wasn’t on the verge of climaxing that very instant, regardless of whether he wanted to wait for his partner or not. He sped up the pace of his thrusts and put in hard work with his hand.

As soon as Hijikata came, so did Gintoki, and as soon as Gintoki came, Hijikata lifted himself off of him. He had felt good enough to get off, but he still was no fan of having something up his butt.

Gintoki glanced down at the liquid splashed across his sternum and grinned while panting to catch his breath. He was relieved. He managed to get a virgin to cum. Thank goodness.

Meanwhile, Hijikata was trying to think about anything other than the fact that he came with a dick up his ass. The message displayed on his phone had his rapt attention.

Not wanting to so much as lift his head until he had a minute to recover, Gintoki asked, “What does it say?”

_“‘Congratulations!’”_ Hijikata read aloud in monotone, _“‘You have cleared challenge #6, and you have earned bonuses for completing the following mini challenges:’”_ He clucked his tongue in disapproval of the words that came next and continued in an irritated tone, _“‘“Goodbye, sweet virginity!” and “Power bottom.”‘”_

“What does mine say?” asked the silver-haired gaming addict, “What bonuses did I get?”

Hijikata stood up, walked over to the TV, and said, “You got _‘Wearing a raincoat indoors’_ and _‘Virgin killer.’_ ”

Hijikata then went to the bathroom to clean the uncomfortable excess lube off of himself. Gintoki laid on the bed until he saw the message on his phone change. He got up to take care of his condom and the mess it had trapped against the head of his dick, stopping to read his phone on the way. Predictably, the new message on Gintoki’s phone said, _“Clear challenge #7, ‘Flip it and reverse it,’ by causing yourself and your opponent to climax by allowing yourself to be penetrated anally with his penis. Watch for opportunities to obtain bonuses along the way!”_

As someone with lots of lazy uke experience, Gintoki was ready to guide Hijikata through the second phase of losing his virginity.

When they were both finished with cleaning up from round one, they went back out to the bed, laid down, and languidly touched and kissed like two men in love – no, no, like two men leveling up their fighters in a smartphone game – no, that doesn’t really work, either. Neither of them would have been able to believably deny that the former wasn’t the reason for what they were doing. Two hours ago, they would have furiously denied it; by this point, they didn’t care. Their brains were drowning in dopamine, and all they cared about was getting more of each other.

To that end, as soon as he was near being physically capable of carrying out challenge #7, Hijikata sat up and told Gintoki, “Get on all fours.”

Gintoki did as asked and waited for the virgin to fumble with the task of preparing a man for the first time, displaying his need for more of Sakata-sensei’s professional coaching skills.

Hijikata sat on the bed behind Gintoki’s bare ass, got one index finger slick with lube, and pressed the finger into the tight hole. He methodically massaged, making sure Gintoki was ready before adding a second finger. He expertly probed the interior walls with the tips of the two fingers, finding Gintoki’s most sensitive spot and repeatedly strumming it while continuing to gently stretch him.

Gintoki stared in bewilderment at a small wear spot in the bed sheets. The bed sheets weren’t bewildering; it was bewildering that Hijikata was so fucking good at what he was doing. He was no virgin; he had experience, and it showed. It was taking every bit of concentration Gintoki had to avoid moaning. The concentration broke when the fingers were pulled out and a wet, warm tongue penetrated him at the same time as a warm, manly hand began stroking his cock.

A pleasured moan and arch of the back from Gintoki made Hijikata rock hard and ready for action. He zealously lapped at Gintoki, making love to him with his tongue. It really had been far too long since he’d had any part of his body inside another human. As odd as it was to admit, he needed what was happening. He secretly held a small amount of gratitude toward the game’s creator for arranging their ‘live battle.’

When Hijikata could no longer hold back his longing for more, he momentarily pulled away from Gintoki to get a condom from the basket next to the bed. He rolled the condom on and covered it in plenty of lube. Then, slowly, expertly, he did the real-life version of using the ‘weapon release’ button, penetrating Gintoki. Once he was all in, he grasped Gintoki’s ample hips and began thrusting.

For a certainty, Hijikata was not a virgin. It was obvious to Gintoki from the way Hijikata was doing everything 100% right. Someone who’s new to giving it anally is sure to screw up somehow, either going too fast or too slow or failing to be attentive to pleasuring the person whose body is being intruded upon. Gintoki had experienced all of the above before. Hijikata was doing none of the above. He was constantly adjusting his speed and depth to maximize the pleasure he was giving. He worked his way up to going deep and fast, but at all times with care to avoid pushing a delicate part of Gintoki’s body beyond its limits. The only thing Gintoki thought was lacking was that they couldn’t kiss in doggy-style position.

Hijikata was acting almost purely on primal instinct, but a handful of synapses fired briefly and caused him to have the same thought. He pulled out and told Gintoki, “Roll over.”

Gintoki laid down on his back and didn’t even let Hijikata get it back inside again before wrapping his arms around the back of his neck and pulling him into a deep kiss. It was so fucking good. Gintoki had thought it would be fun to be Hijikata’s first both ways, but getting fucked by an experienced Hijikata was indescribably amazing. Hijikata was thrusting in and out at just the right speed and depth, hitting just the right spot, while simultaneously working magic with his tongue and stimulating Gintoki’s nipples. Gintoki couldn’t imagine lasting more than thirty seconds if he touched himself, so he held off.

Hijikata was past being able to hold off. He broke the kiss, stroked Gintoki’s throbbing cock, and sucked at the glistening sweat that had pooled above Gintoki’s right clavicle.

Three strokes in, Gintoki came hard, letting out an impassioned moan.

Several pleasured grunts later, Hijikata came too.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/168837852@N02/50440949613/in/dateposted-public/)

Hijikata pulled out and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and clean up. He took longer than necessary in the bathroom because his brain was working again, and he was having sage, post-coitus thoughts. He had long claimed he didn’t really like Gintoki, but the truth was betrayed by how little it took to persuade him into bed with the man, even offering up his backdoor virginity. How could he have gotten his own feelings toward Gintoki so wrong all this time?

Perhaps he didn’t recognize his own attraction because Gintoki was very different from the sex partners he had when he was younger. They tended to be close to his age; in other words, they were teenagers, with far more youth than the near-thirty Madao Gintoki. He had preferred partners with small, slender ‘twink’ bodies and pretty faces; Gintoki was definitely not ugly, but he was also definitely not ‘pretty.’ He was fairly tall, and he was fucking jacked.

If Hijikata’s newfound attraction to Gintoki had stopped at wanting to tap that, it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but he wanted _romance_ with him. Throughout the course of the evening, he had seen a new side of Gintoki – yes, _har-har_ , he saw his ass up-close – but seriously, he saw him being nice, caring, gentle, sweet, selfless, and a host of other attributes that drew Hijikata to him. If Hijikata wanted to take their relationship down the romance path, how would he make that happen? He had near zero experience with romance, so he was stumped.

While Hijikata was in the bathroom thinking, Gintoki had a thinking session of his own. Anyone who caught even a glimpse of Hijikata knew he had conventional good looks, but in Gintoki’s eyes, that was a huge understatement. Hijikata was gorgeous in body and face, and he had many appealing personality traits. There were bad points, sure, like his mayonnaise fetish and tendency to overreact, but even the latter was cute in its own way, and his bad points were far outweighed by the good. He balanced being kind and caring toward everyone with being strong, brave, and an all-around badass at times. Really, the man was everything Gintoki would ever have asked for in a long-term partner.

Oh. _Ohhhh_. The danger the red flags had been trying to warn Gintoki about suddenly came into sharp focus. The flags were attempting to draw his attention to a set of opinions he had long held about a particular man that, when put together in the way they were in the preceding paragraph, made it sound an awful lot like he held more feelings than lust toward Hijikata. _Whoaaaa!!!_

Startled, Hijikata came out to the room and asked, “What’s wrong?”

Gintoki did not mean for that _“Whoaaaa!!!”_ to be yelled audibly. His meltdown was supposed to happen in his head only. He looked around for something upon which to blame the outburst. What was displayed on their phone screens would do. Exaggerating his excitement, he pointed at Hijikata’s phone and said, “Look! We cleared all the challenges, and you got bonuses for _‘Surprise experienced seme’_ and _‘Changing positions mid-fuck’_!”

Buying the lie, Hijikata walked over to Gintoki’s phone and said, “You got bonuses for _‘Lazy experienced uke’_ and _‘Sealed with a mid-fuck kiss.’_ ”

Hijikata yawned. Between becoming addicted to sex in a smartphone game and dealing with a stalker boss and a homicidal subordinate, the past week had been exhausting. He thought he better get back to his own futon before anyone noticed he’d been gone on a cigarette run for a few hours. Finishing thinking about the possibility of furthering his relationship with Gintoki could wait until he wasn’t so tired.

As Hijikata gathered up his clothes and started getting dressed, Gintoki panicked. He didn’t want spending time together and connecting their bodies to be a one-time thing. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to think of a proper way of expressing himself before Hijikata would be dressed and out the door. Therefore, what he said was an incohesive and barely decipherable string of words that couldn’t rightly be called a ‘sentence.’ “ _Uhhh_ … Us… this… again…?”

Hijikata interpreted Gintoki’s message as best he could. It sounded to him like Gintoki wanted to hook up again. Maybe they would become fuck buddies. Who knew? Maybe with time, romance would develop. Even if it didn’t turn into a rose petals and candlelit dinners situation, it didn’t sound like a bad deal to Hijikata. If their ‘live battle’ had proven anything, it was that their bodies were incredibly compatible. He needed the answer to a single question, which he asked in usual shy Toshi fashion. “You would want to switch? Fifty-fifty?”

Oops. Gintoki’s nonsense question had understandably been misinterpreted. Gintoki was too embarrassed to clarify that he had intended to ask Hijikata to date him, so he smiled and went along with the misconception. “Whatever you want.”

Blushing, Hijikata proposed his preference. “I-I don’t want to be on the bottom every other time. Maybe we could switch every third or fourth time?”

Having a butterfly habitat spontaneously materialize in one’s stomach was contagious. Gintoki was thrilled that he had gotten Hijikata to agree to the perfect arrangement, where Hijikata would top most of the time and power bottom the rest of the time. Perhaps their casual hook-ups would eventually morph into something more. In the meantime, he didn’t want the man to leave! He nodded, accepting Hijikata’s generous terms of surrender, and patted the pillow next to him. “The room is already paid for. Why not sleep here tonight?”

Blushing harder at having his wish for something resembling romance instantly gratified, Hijikata shyly mumbled his agreement with Gintoki’s reasoning. “R-right… Would be a waste of money if we didn’t use it…”

Gintoki got out of bed, grabbed his phone, and closed out of the game before pulling his boxers on and getting back in bed and pulling the covers over himself.

Hijikata hung his kimono up, grabbed his phone from the headboard, and closed out of the game. He turned the lights off and got in bed wearing boxers. He set his alarm for 5:00 am, which would give him time to walk back to Shinsengumi headquarters before the sun and most of the guys were up. He would slip into his office, and no one would be the wiser that he had spent most of the night at a love hotel.

“Goodnight,” they said at the same time, turning their backs to each other to ensure that the stupid, lovestruck smile each of them was making wasn’t seen.

Several days’ accumulation of stress and lack of sleep caught up with them. Comforted by each other’s radiant body heat, they fell fast asleep right away.

**October 11**

**_Early morning, Hijikata time / Walk of shame hour, Gintoki time (5:00 am)_ **

Hijikata’s 5:00 am alarm went completely unheeded, turned off by the person who had set it, without his even waking up.

Thirty-six minutes later, his eyes sprang open. He unsuccessfully attempted to avoid waking his bedmate while reclaiming his left arm from underneath his head, and he checked the time. Fuck. The sun would be up, along with many of the guys, by the time he got back to headquarters. If anyone saw him and asked where he’d been, he supposed he could say he had a date. Everyone knew he wasn’t seeing anyone and didn’t do the casual sex scene, so they’d probably roll their eyes and walk away, muttering sarcastically, _‘Pfft, yeah, right.’_

Having been awakened when he lost his comfy arm pillow, Gintoki dragged himself out of bed and brushed his teeth and got dressed alongside Hijikata. He was unsettled that he had allowed Hijikata to think he only wanted something casual from him but too groggy to articulate a clarification. He had a limited window to wake up enough to speak lucidly and set the record straight.

Gintoki picked the trash, including an unwrapped but unused condom, out of the sexytime goods basket, and threw it in the trash can. He then got the remaining soap, toothpaste, and other toiletries from the bathroom, brought them out to the room, and dropped them in the basket. It occurred to him it might be impolite to assume he could take the sexytime goods for himself, so he pointed at the basket and slurred sleepily, “You want?”

The rumors that would have begun circulating if Hijikata had taken home a basket containing enemas, condoms, and strawberry-flavored lube would have been a little too close to the truth. He declined, “No, thanks.”

Both men finished getting dressed, put on their boots and tabi, respectively, and ensured that they had all their belongings, particularly phones and wallets. Gintoki picked up the sexytime goods basket, and they walked out together.

Gintoki’s brain screamed for him to say something before he lost the chance and wound up being sex friends with someone he liked too much for such a casual relationship. Nervously scratching the back of his head, he said, “So, uh, you know that thing I asked you last night, about doing this again?”

Hijikata looked at him and nodded, wondering if, in the clarity that sometimes comes after sleeping on a decision, Gintoki had changed his mind.

“Well, you see, what I actually meant to say is that I’d like to get together with you again, like, on a date…” Gintoki readied himself to be shot down as he backed off of the idea, rephrasing his proposal as, “We could still go to a hotel and stuff, but maybe we could meet up for dinner or drinks or something before.”

The air movement caused by a seagull flapping its wings as it flew away with a french fry someone dropped in a parking lot seven blocks away could have knocked Hijikata over. He couldn’t believe it. Gintoki wanted to date? They wanted the same thing? He was speechless. Blushing, he looked down and nodded.

Awesome! He agreed! Gintoki decided to retreat before Hijikata changed his mind. With a forced smile, he said while starting to walk away, “Great! See you later!”

Before Gintoki took a step, Hijikata’s romantic side intervened, grabbing his hand and stopping him. With his other hand, Hijikata took the basket from Gintoki, set it down, pulled Gintoki close, and kissed him.

The kiss was picture perfect, just like the kisses fighter Gintoki and fighter Hijikata had shared on a pristine, secluded beach at sunrise in the game, with a few negligible differences. They were on a Kabukichou street and not a beach. The street was the opposite of both pristine and secluded, being littered not only with trash but also with a handful of hung-over and still-drunk people. The sky was as much lit by the neon signs of the area’s many bars, nightclubs, mahjong parlors, and love hotels as it was by any celestial body. If we’re getting technical, the sun was rising and not setting. But still! It was a perfect kiss.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/168837852@N02/50441830347/in/dateposted-public/)

When Hijikata realized what he was doing with a known criminal in public, he broke the kiss, created his usual amount of personal space, and said, “I, uh, I should get going.”

“Right,” Gintoki agreed, still recovering from the surprise kiss, “I need to get going too. I’d like to get home before someone wakes up and starts whining about how hungry she is. Um, can… can we exchange phone numbers?”

“Sure,” Hijikata responded. It had slipped his mind that it would be hard to make arrangements to hook up or go out on dates (!) without knowing each other’s phone numbers. They saved each other’s numbers in their contact lists, and then Hijikata said what he would have said the night before if he had been cognizant of yesterday’s date. “Sorry it’s a day late, but happy birthday.”

Wow, Gintoki was glad he didn’t just walk away. He would have missed out on an amazing kiss and receiving birthday wishes from the Demon Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi. It dawned on him in that moment that Hijikata wasn’t just the Demon Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi, nor was he just a dude Gintoki had slept with; they were dating!!! Amidst his shock, he found the strength to speak, “Th-thank you. S-see you later.”

“Yeah, s-see you,” Hijikata echoed.

Both walked away blushing, with the sappiest fucking smiles on their faces.

Putting the palms of his hands together and looking up toward the sky, Gintoki offered his gratitude to an unknown person, “Thank you, shitty voyeuristic game creator.”

**_On the other end of Edo…_ **

A young man was lying on his futon, looking at his smartphone, with earbuds in. Grinning sadistically, he replied, “You’re welcome, danna.”

The young man then put his earbuds away, set his phone on the floor next to him, pulled his signature eye shades down, and rolled over to go back to sleep. Smirking and shaking his head, he remarked, “Fucking idiots.”

_The King of Fucking: Copyright 1865 Okita Sougo Games. All rights reserved._

**Author's Note:**

> A thousand thank-you’s to _everyone_ who participated in the Gintoki’s Birthday Bash 2020 gift exchange. A total of 33 people besides myself worked their asses off to make this happen, including my 2 fellow moderators (one of whom also wrote, and the other of whom also wrote and created art), 13 writers, 15 artists (four created art for two writers’ works, and one also wrote), and 3 volunteer beta readers! I am proud and thrilled that we were able to produce a whopping _seventeen_ amazing fics with art!! This fandom is the best!!!


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